i hesitate
to loosen my grip
on the comforts
of the present

i long to keep
and sustain
the wall of protection
that i have built up

but to live truly
i must destroy
the convenience of being
just fine

and strive
to achieve

i hesitate
i’m scared to let go
afraid of failure
and the harm it would bring to
the delicate object that is

my heart

has been broken
will break
again

i fear
that i will get close
so close that i
will feel the magnetism
of my dreams
pulling me toward them

i’ll be at the top of the mountain
looking down at the city below
marveling at the thought
that i will be there soon
noticing how it seems to glow
in the drab desert landscape

i fear that then
i will look away
and the ground beneath my feet
will split apart

break like the once-cherished
connections
that have evaporated over time

i wonder if the dreams will do the same

i wonder if i will look back on the shards
and try to piece them together
attempting to bring back the past

knowing all along that it is an impossible task

i question
my future
my purpose
my life even

but the hope
that never falters
won't settle
for anything

it will never
let me feel
satisfied
with myself

this drive can be
a blessing
or a curse

i keep pushing
and pushing
until i snap
or
i rise