He hands me a mug, steam flooding the top. “Here, take your meds.” I groan in frustration and take them out of his hand, sipping the hot tea. One of the pills falls out of my hand. He reaches down quickly to pick it up, then rubs it against his cotton blue shirt. “Here.” He smiles at me. “Dreil, I can’t take this anymore. It’s not like these are working.” I swallow the nasty pill and chug the rest of the hot liquid.
“How do you know that? Jen, if you stop, there probably won’t be a future for you. We don’t know what’s going to happen. And frankly, I don’t want to see or have to imagine what happens in that future with you slipping away.” He wraps his soft cold arms around me and we sit on the two wood stools in front of the kitchen counter.
“But when will this end? Do you know how many times I cry myself to sleep now? This is getting way too out of hand. And I don’t see an improvement. Sure, I won’t have seizures, but that fear just constantly stays in the back of my mind. There’s no difference with or without the medication.” I sigh and stand up. Dreil gently grabs my wrist to hold me back.
“The medication makes it definite that you won’t have one again. That’s the point of it. The fear that you feel currently will go away. This stuff takes time.” He tries to make me feel better but it doesn’t work. It never works. It’s been eight months since my second seizure and it still doesn’t go away. Those stupid flashbacks. The nightmares every week or so. The tears that flow out with the mere thought of it. The smallest amount of something, anything that triggers it. We both know this. But one of us has to keep a positive mind. And that can never be me. No matter how hard I try, this feeling doesn’t leave me.
I shove his hand back and walk away. “This is worth fighting for, Jen!” He yells at me while I walk to my room. Yeah right. If this was worth fighting for it would be over by now. And it’s not. And it’s taking too long. Nothing can change the way I feel. Even medication doesn’t triumph over my fears. The fear at the back of my mind. Not being settled. Always showing up no matter how happy I am. It won’t let me be happy. It won’t let me move on. It’s always there. Making my life a living nightmare. It’s stupid. So stupid.
“How do you know that? Jen, if you stop, there probably won’t be a future for you. We don’t know what’s going to happen. And frankly, I don’t want to see or have to imagine what happens in that future with you slipping away.” He wraps his soft cold arms around me and we sit on the two wood stools in front of the kitchen counter.
“But when will this end? Do you know how many times I cry myself to sleep now? This is getting way too out of hand. And I don’t see an improvement. Sure, I won’t have seizures, but that fear just constantly stays in the back of my mind. There’s no difference with or without the medication.” I sigh and stand up. Dreil gently grabs my wrist to hold me back.
“The medication makes it definite that you won’t have one again. That’s the point of it. The fear that you feel currently will go away. This stuff takes time.” He tries to make me feel better but it doesn’t work. It never works. It’s been eight months since my second seizure and it still doesn’t go away. Those stupid flashbacks. The nightmares every week or so. The tears that flow out with the mere thought of it. The smallest amount of something, anything that triggers it. We both know this. But one of us has to keep a positive mind. And that can never be me. No matter how hard I try, this feeling doesn’t leave me.
I shove his hand back and walk away. “This is worth fighting for, Jen!” He yells at me while I walk to my room. Yeah right. If this was worth fighting for it would be over by now. And it’s not. And it’s taking too long. Nothing can change the way I feel. Even medication doesn’t triumph over my fears. The fear at the back of my mind. Not being settled. Always showing up no matter how happy I am. It won’t let me be happy. It won’t let me move on. It’s always there. Making my life a living nightmare. It’s stupid. So stupid.